Thursday, January 22, 2009


Hamish was not arrested. The photograph above was taken for his passport at the UPS store and then promptly rejected by the passport office. But if my four-year old son were arrested, I'll bet his mugshot would look a lot like that. Stay out of trouble, boy. It isn't pretty.

And now, a poem for you—

Just as I lie down with my book and sigh
The best moment of my day is shattered
When your baby sister cries
My nerves are suddenly frayed and tattered

 I hoist myself from where I lie
And ask for the ten thousandth time
Why is your sister crying?

I don’t know, you start. Then—
Her was pushing me in my back
Her knocked down my building stack
Her took my favorite invention book
Her gave me a really mean look

But she’s the one who’s crying
I’m trying to explain
But you can’t understand
It's not yet coded in your brain

Even though you hit her
It's you who complains

I think I'll take to my room
Go Victorian on your ass
My hand stretched across my face 
Striking that ‘woe is me’ pose

But what good is it
When this is the life I chose
No one but no one
Thinks it’ll ever be like this

Don’t get me wrong
But I can’t even take a shit
Without you clawing at the door

Because you need your littlest lincoln log
And she lost her skate
So the log in my colon
Will just have to wait
(and wait, and wait)

Yes the log in my colon
Will just have to wait


devney said...

OMG - I'm dying right now! I don't remember the last time I took a shit in private - but God forbid you walk in one of my kids! This is SO funny! Thanks for making me feel like there's at least ONE other person in this world who feels my pain in my colon and otherwise!

Amelia Plum said...

very funny and true, sister I feel that colon pain. I always intend to become healthier and drink more water but it just doesn't fit into the plan with two kids - how could I take that many bathroom breaks if I got the required 8 glasses a day?!

kristi said...

i'm so glad i popped over here today. i forgot i had visited before, since i'm a regular at amelia plum's blog...but wow, do i feel like this at least 10 times a day...

Pauline said...

Your blog is such a refreshing read after the daily bombardment from moms on facebook who post status updates like the following:

"Michelle had a nice "playdate" with my Mommy friends today while the kids had a blast playing & making Valentine cookies!"
"Angela loves her kids!!! I'm looking forward to a great day with them both home tomorrow!"

and it makes me want to stab myself in the face with a fork. Seriously. I am not a mother, nor have I ever wanted to be one. I also would not be able to have a baby even if I wanted... so i guess that is three strikes on me. I hate the people who look at me like I'm missing out and those who tell me how having a baby is the most profound experience a woman can have.
This is why blogs like this one give me hope that not every woman on earth of child bearing years is in a cult. I know all of three women who have kids and are cool about it and don't treat me like an alien on planet motherhood. It was hard enough to find a man who didn't want to breed, I don't need to be made to feel less-than for it too.
So, having mothers like you, who actually tell the truth about the experience is a must for we few non-mommies when the annoying moms on facebook act like they invented the wheel by popping out a pup.

Keep it going!
and thanks!