soup and cards and warm hearts and cookies

There has been an outpouring of love and sympathy from readers and friends and family since Stuart died January 3. Bryan and I are very grateful to have such wonderful support. To those who have shared their hearts, thank you.

Here's what I have learned from this event, about myself and about grief and about Stuart and family—

1. It's better to express what's in your heart than to suppress it for fear that it will sound trite or wrong or inappropriate. If it's heartfelt, it will be the perfect thing to say.

the day after the funeral

I woke up yesterday morning after the funeral at my in-laws' apartment in Brooklyn with a couple verses vying for my attention. Something about the combination of a childish rhyme and a teenage suicide wouldn't let me go until I gave it whatever life I could. Life. Ha. I scribbled it down in the back of the memoir I'm reading.

Writing helps me maneuver through this death. Okay okay, it helps me maneuver through life. I am thankful for my writing habit—it's here when I need it, now more than ever.

surviving stuart

The phone call came at one this morning. Hours later, surfing the sheets with a bone-weary body and a busted mind I was composing this post. The last time I looked at the clock it was 5:28. I finally fell asleep only to have a nightmare about raccoons on my front stoop, five or six of them digging in my garbage. One of them lunged at me and I awoke with a start and remembered. Stuart's dead.

happy new year very much

I actually have some resolutions this year. Two resolutions.

1. To please stop saying 'awesome' unless something is truly awesome. I have this thing about being in my forties and saying, "awesome!" like I did when I was eighteen. Or maybe back then I said "tubular." I'm after more grown-up words. Maybe it's part of my mid-life crisis. Whatever it is, I am on high alert. In the past four days at yoga I have witnessed two students say "awesome" when another student or teacher helped them squeeze their mat into a packed class. That it's not just me is reassuring but increases my chances of failure. I am impressionable and must work hard for this one. Makes me wonder, do we say awesome instead of thank you? I will be on the lookout.